I am a fairly positive and optimistic person – I trust until I learn not to trust and hold on to my naïvety as long as I can sanely do so. So when I am walking on this journey that God has charted for me, my thoughts are always about moving forward. The road is a forward moving journey. But how many times do I stop, turn around and go the other way? Never mind the falling off the road, taking the wrong turn kinda stuff – I am talking about making a decision to go back and going where I had just come from to redo stuff I should not be doing. I am talking about the children of Israel going across the desert and all the time wanting to go back to Egypt and instead you and I have done it – over and over again.
Consumed by my vanity but I can be made to vanish in a single breath. Only when I am about to be consumed then I run to God in terror and diligent seek Him. But watch my mouth – did I run to Him out of repentance or did I run to Him to save me from pain? Watch my mouth because as soon as the calamity is over am I staying true to the road or have I already turned to go back using only flattery to obtain my salvation?
How compassionate and gracious is God to see me do this again and again? He covers over me and does not destroy me – He is so merciful. I have tempted Him over and over, provoked Him, pained Him and grieved Him. He has focused on redeeming and freeing me.
I warn myself that this grace will last only so long. Two things will happen – God will turn me over to the evil one so that I might repent and turn to follow only Him or if I keep rejecting His Holy Spirit, one day the Holy Spirit may listen to me and leave me like I asked Him to. If I decide not to repent and decide to go my way, I will be lost and am not sure I will ever be found again. May we all decide not to turn away, not to tempt again.